A lot of people have been reaching out to me (which I appreciate) about how I am doing, so I figured I would do a mass update on me...

I have my up and down moments and days and it can be a lot to take in sometimes. I will bullet point what I am feeling...

• I hate being a NICU mama because I hate leaving my boy, I hate that he came early, I hate that they both aren't safe and thriving and I want him home and in my arms.

• I hate strictly pumping and not actually breastfeeding with Wyatt.

• I am sad, mad and confused as to why Cameron didn't make it.

• I hate being a NICU mama and planning a funeral at the same time. I kept saying I was going to be able to navigate through this time because I would be able to hold Wyatt whenever I felt super sad about Cameron and I can't even do that.

• I miss a baby I didn't even know.

• I have to write an obituary for Cameron and it is the HARDEST thing I have ever in my life done because he didn't even get to take a breath, so what do I write?

• I miss my husband and my daughter. They are on a vacation I TOLD THEM TO GO ON because they deserve it.

• I miss being pregnant. I am back to my before birth weight and it doesn't feel right because I am supposed to be pregnant still. I also did not have a normal pregnancy after trying so hard for so long to get pregnant.

• I am mad, sad and disappointed that I didn't have a normal pregnancy like mama's do. The maternity pictures, bump date pictures (I really didn't have a belly to take a bump pic), the rolling around video, the feelings of hiccups, having Zach feel the babies kick him, taking pictures with friends and family at my baby shower being pregnant.

• I am getting little sleep between worrying about little man, not having my husband here next to me and remembering the last time I was in bed with my husband...(we were laying here, watching Ghost Advantures and he was trying to have Wyatt kick him so he could feel it).

But...

• I am happy Wyatt is doing so well and he keeps kicking milestones in the ASS everyday.

• I keep getting told how strong I am.

• I get to share my babies with everyone who has been praying for us, and they get to see how prayer really has been helping Wyatt stay strong.

• I forever have a guardian angel and so does Wyatt, Zach, Anna.

• I can go and see Wyatt whenever I want and don't have to worry about going back to work right away with all these feelings.

• I am blessed to have a job that gives us time off and pays us for a time like this.

• I have so many people (some I have never met in person) who care about myself and my family.

• That my milk supply is here (not 100%) and that I am able to feed Wyatt.

• That I have an amazing husband that still loves me and is so worried about me.

These are all emotions, thoughts and memories I have to try to navigate through. These are all things that I have to either suppress or flip the script on the negative thoughts and try to make it through them because all of this chaos and navigation that I am doing is all God's plan. Honestly, I really wish I knew why but I won't until the day I meet him at those gates and am able to ask him in person.